December 5th, 2018
20 years ago… My whole world changed in the blink of an eye. It’s interesting because that is all it ever takes for your whole life to change, a second. We underestimate the power a day can hold on someone’s life, and we really underestimate the power a moment can have.
It was a moment that completely changed everything, my whole world was rocked and at the time it happened, I didn’t in my wildest imagination, expect all the good that would come out of it, considering it was what we would call a “bad” or not so good event.
“A moment can change your life forever, that’s all it ever takes, just a blink, and you know that nothing will ever be the same again…” -World Dreamerz
Death is inevitable, but for some reason, when it happens it takes us all by surprise, we don’t know if we will ever recover from the loss, and we can even lose hope in our own lives, wondering well what is the point if one day I am just going to die?
We all know deep inside that one day we will die, and we know this to be true for everyone we know right now, we know that one day they will die, its something we can’t avoid no matter how hard we try.
The event that changed my entire life, took place 20 years ago, when I was seven years old. I was staying at my grandparent’s house, and we were putting up the Christmas decorations. Christmas music played in the background on that snowy December day, and after many years of not being able to listen to Christmas music, it plays again now, quietly in the background as I write this post.
This is a post I had been planning on writing, but I needed to wait until today specifically to write about it. 20 years after the event took place. I needed to wait for this moment.
I have written about it before, but never like this, I write it now from a different perspective, from the older wiser me, guiding my younger self, through that night to further heal myself from it.
When it happened, I never thought I would be happy again, I never thought I’d even smile again, I was sad for a very long time. The night I am referring to was the night my Grandma passed away, quite suddenly, in front of me, in the blink of an eye, she was gone.
I had never cried so hard in my life, I felt completely shattered, she had been my rock, my best friend, and teacher. She taught me so much in our short 7 years together, and only a few of which I can even remember. Looking back, I am grateful for the time I did get with her because she did help shape me into the woman I am today.
It’s quite remarkable the journey I have encountered since that night, 20 years ago. I have been reflecting on this a lot this past week because I always do at this time of year. I believe self-reflection has been a great tool for personal growth and in understanding who it is I am, and I often take a look back on my life and am always astonished by how far I have come.
That night, I didn’t think I would ever be okay again. I felt broken beyond repair, and I felt more alone than ever, that was until, I was given a beautiful gift of insight, that showed me why it needed to happen.
It came in a flash, and I suddenly understood everything. Like I mean everything… It was a moment of pure insight, pure awareness of who I was, and what I needed to understand at that moment.
There were many questions running through my mind, “Why had she died? What did I do to deserve this? Why was this happening?” All the questions you ask when you lose someone you care about, you feel like you’ve done something wrong, and you are almost being punished for it, instead of seeing it as a gift.
It took me many, many years to see her death as a blessing, as a gift, but once I finally did, it changed everything for me.
I realized that her death happened the way it did, the day I was there, like it did, in order to help me awaken early on in life. I realized at some level, that I had planned for it to occur. We had made a mutual agreement, and that was the plan, which I don’t fully understand, but I do trust that I will be guided in each moment and I don’t always need to worry about how or when I am going to do something. Everything happens when it needs to.
That night, I was told two things that stood out very clearly in my mind, the first thing was “Yes, this is really hard right now, but in time you will get over this, one day you will smile and be happy again, and one day you will also write about it.” Which has all come true now, I am over it, I’ve healed myself from it, I am happy and I did write about it, many times now.
The second thing I was told was: “Your life isnt about you, it’s about helping the others through the hard times, it’s about giving back to humanity, you are here to change many lives, you are here to be of service to others.”
Now, you have to appreciate that this is a lot for a 7-year-old to take in. Not to mention the incredible moment of insight I received. I had no idea what had happened, but at that moment, it was like white light shining through my whole body, and I knew instantly all at once, who I was, and what this life was all about that I was experiencing.
It was the grandest awakening I have ever had in my life, even to this point, and I have been on this path for a while now… At the time, I didn’t know that’s what it was, I just felt so much peace, so calm, that nothing, not even the death of a loved one could take that away from me.
At that moment, I understood the big picture, I knew that death was an illusion and that even though my Grandma’s physical body had passed away, her spirit, her essence, lived on in my heart from that point forward. I feel her there, even to this day, it’s like as though she never left my side.
Its been 20 years since that night occurred which would change my entire life forever. When I look back at how far I’ve come, it’s quite amazing. Sure I had to grow up, go through my childhood which ended pretty early on when I was 10 years old and I decided it was time to start acting like an adult now. Then I went through my teenage years, during which time I forgot about all of this, and fell back asleep forgetting about my magnificence.
Around the age of 22, I started to wake up again, and when I realized this and started to become more consciously aware that I was awakening from the unconscious slumber I was in, the pieces of the puzzle started to come together. I see life as an enormous puzzle, and we are here to put the pieces together, one day, one moment at a time.
Everything happens for a reason, and that is something I truly believe. My grandmothers death was not the only death I have experienced in my 27 years on this planet. I experienced my grandpa die when I was about 13, and then my own mother’s death at the young age of 20. SO I have had my fair share of death, and while I wasn’t alway’s able to see things the way I do now, and that everything is all part of the divine plan, I truly do feel like death is the sweetest teacher in life.
Some will argue, how can death be a good thing? But its really just how you choose to see it. Its an inevitable part of life, we all will eventually come face to face with death one day, and its something I actually ponder quite often because I feel it is wise to contemplate our own death.
For me, I know it will be in the distant future, especially with all the medical advances they are making towards life extension and age reversal, both are subjects I find fascinating and I am currently studying them a great deal because I want to teach humanity about this in the near future. I believe we are meant to live much longer than we currently do, and the human body is self-healing with the right intent, but because most people don’t understand or even acknowledge the power they have, their body slowly degrades over time.
But no matter how long our lives can be extended for, it’s still a humbling experience to meditate on death, does it make you fearful to think about, why or why not?
As I write this, I look around at my surroundings, I am currently dog sitting for a friend, so I am staying in this big beautiful house, which is nice but not something I desire in life, I want freedom above all else, and to me, a house traps you in a mortgage. But I am writing this at the kitchen table, and although its only 4pm the sun is setting, and it’s reflecting on a window outside and beaming into the house in such a way that it hits right where I am sitting, I take this as a thank you from the other side, for writing this post.
I write in order to help others, to help you maybe see death in a different way than how we were told. When someone dies, we mourn, we cry, and we feel sorry for them and especially for ourselves. We tend to find ways for which we were responsible, see I thought for the longest time that my Grandma died because I made her eat kraft dinner for lunch that day, but we will find the silliest things to blame ourselves for.
But, I’ve always wondered why we don’t celebrate when someone dies. Instead of grieving the loss, we celebrate their lives and accomplishments, we celebrate who they were as a person, and the impact they had in the world.
For my Grandmother, she had a challenging life, losing her husband and the love of her life at a very young age, leaving her alone to raise 5 children, which she did before she met my Grandpa. She lost two of her children when they were in their early twenties, but even they had left an impact on the world during their short lives. 4 of the 5 children all had their own children, who have all gone on to do incredible things, starting families of their own, and just leaving their own mark on the World.
For my own mother, she was the youngest of the 5 children my Grandmother had, and my mother raised both me and my brother to be incredible adults, he went on to have 8 children of his own, to which I know they all will do wonderful things here on Earth, and for myself, well, I’ve known since this event happened, 20 years ago, that I am here to bring about tremendous change. I just don’t see the whole picture yet, but slowly each day it becomes clearer to me what I need to do and I trust that I will always be guided in each and every moment.
I am who I am today because my Grandmother cared for and nurtured me when I was very little, she loved me unconditionally, and although I was devastated the night she died, she really did help me have the courage and to follow my heart because I knew she was always there when I needed someone, even if I couldn’t see her anymore, she was still there.
Even though she and my mother who were both incredible role models for me in my life have now passed away, I still feel them here with me all the time, my mom will play jokes on me once in a while too because she was always making people smile and laugh.
As I look at the time, it’s shortly after 4 which was the exact time, 20 years ago on this day, December 5th, that my grandmother sat down on the couch, and never got back up. She died in her sleep with a smile on her face, from a heart attack, it was quick and painless for her, but I noticed first before my Grandpa, which sent me frantically crying to my room. The clock read about 4.05 when I noticed, and it wasn’t until about 4.45 that he realized something was wrong.
I am beyond words, that I would happen to be sitting here, right at this specific time, writing this right now. I didn’t actually plan for this, I knew I would write this today, but I didn’t expect the time would line up perfectly too…
I guess that’s the thing about life, there really isnt anything that is impossible, and we should expect miracles every day, even when things don’t seem like a miracle at the time, they usually are, if only we have the eyes to see them that way.
I think that is good for now, I will continue sharing my perspective because I can only hope it helps someone out there who is struggling with the death of a loved one. I hope it helps you see when you experience the death of a loved one, that it’s not your fault they died, you did nothing wrong, you aren’t guilty whatsoever for their death, and you will be happy again, it just takes time, and how long that time takes, is up to you.
For myself, it took me a couple years to stop crying & thinking about her every day, and then I still knew I would never stop thinking about her, but it did get better. Day by day it got a little bit better, and eventually, I was happy again and I was able to smile and talk about it to others without tearing up. Now I write about it, because I always knew I would, because I believe that it can help people, and that is really my number one goal in life, is to help humanity.
With Love and Light,