So I thought I would go back in time a little here, and talk about my experience dealing with depression because back in 2011-2014 I was very depressed, and I had no idea I was experiencing that at the time. I didn’t actually realize that I was depressed at all… I thought that this was just a normal feeling to have in life.
Sure I was experiencing suicidal thoughts, extreme uselessness, and complete unworthiness at the time, but doesn’t everyone feel that way? Isn’t that just normal?
But can you blame me for feeling this way?
Depression is a very common thing to suffer from nowadays, what with everything going on in the world, how can one not feel depressed after watching the news, reading the newspapers, or even listening to a concerned friend talk about something bad that happened, could lead one to feel quite fearful. Depression is when you are locked in the past, and you no longer see any sort of future for yourself. You have a hard time getting up each day because ‘Well, what’s the point?’ Your life is slowly becoming exactly what you didn’t want, the exact opposite of the dreams you had as a child, and more often than not we have no idea how to make it better.
We come into the real world with hopes, and goals, and dreams. We are positive and excited to start a life for yourself. Well, that was me anyway, I graduated high school, and choose to take a year off because I wanted to travel and do all this fun and exciting stuff, I believed in real-world education and to be honest, I didn’t believe in the school system anyways. I would go back to school if the real world didn’t work out for me the way I expected…
I didn’t end up doing any traveling after all, and I did end up going back to school for one year to study psychology, but I ended up failing almost every class and racking up over $10000 of debt in a single year. From there I realized I would need to work a job full time to pay this off, and so that’s what I did. But it seemed that despite my best efforts I was going backward each month, and my life slowly started to spiral out of control. Then to top it all off, my mother passed away suddenly, and at the age of 20, I was planning my mothers funeral… Life was not turning out the way I had expected it too, it felt like it was completely out of my control, I couldn’t see the reason all these bad things were happening to me, and I started to slowly become depressed.
Life was not turning out the way I had expected it too, it felt like it was completely out of my control, I couldn’t see the reason all these bad things were happening to me, I felt angry, and hurt, and I ended up turning my back on God, universe, higher power, source energy (whatever you wanna name it) and from there I started to slowly become more and more hopeless and depressed.
We all come into the real world after we get educated, excited to make a life for ourselves and to see all our dreams come true, but then all of that gets crushed slowly over time. We sometimes don’t even realize it’s happening, and we just keep pressing forward on the path that we know isn’t leading us to our dream life, but we do it to keep the others happy, as it is after all, what we are told to do, so we better keep doing it no matter how soul-crushing it is.
I felt like this life I had dreamt of for myself, was being ripped away from me right under my nose, and there was nothing I could do to get it back together. My bills were piling up, I was behind on all my payments, my car was about to get repossessed, my credit score was going down despite my sincere efforts to keep it in good standing, I even considered filing for bankruptcy because my credit card was at like $2500 which I thought was really high at the time… The real world was completely fucking me, and there was nothing I could do. I had absolutely no hope for the future, as a matter of fact, I couldn’t even see the future as a possibility, I felt my life was over at the age of 22. I actually thought I was dying or I would die soon, or that the world would end in some catastrophic event… I was living in complete fear with no hope for the future, so what was the point of doing anything beneficial that would help my future self?
My days were long, sad and unproductive during that time. I became more and more nocturnal by the day, and I barely ever left the house. I worked only 1-2 times per week because that was all I could actually handle. I had no motivation to do anything, no self-esteem to communicate with others, and with no confidence in myself at all. I was extremely shy, I didn’t like talking to people, and I felt people were constantly judging me all the time, and also I cared so much about what others thought of me.
So I went into hiding. It was easier than facing my self, and my problems. So I cut out all my friends and family from my life. After all, I was independent, I didn’t need anyone anyways, I was strong on my own.
My daily routine consisted of getting up around 4 or 5 in the afternoon, it was the middle of winter too, so by 5pm it was already dark, I had missed any form of sunlight completely. I would get dressed and either go to the grocery store and spend at least $20 on food just for that day, or I would go to the Wendy’s/Tim Hortons by my place, buy a large ice cap as well as a full meal deal from Wendy’s.
Then I would go home and eat. That would be my only outing for the day. I would sit at home for the rest of the day, usually from 5 or 6pm onward never leaving the house again. I would eat and eat and eat because it was the only thing that made me feel temporarily content. I would normally just eat one big meal each day, and then snack the rest of the time. It was an extremely unhealthy way to live, but I didn’t really care.
It didn’t really matter the time of year it was either, I would justify coming home early each day in summer too by blaming the heat for bringing me inside on a nice summer night. I would race home usually from work or something at 5-6pm every single day just so I could play World of Warcraft! It was fun and overall ended up being a good experience playing WOW because I did reach my end goal, I also gained a ton of people skills while playing it, as well as great leadership skills.
That was probably my one ray of hope while going through this depression, was playing the game. As crazy as that sounds, having a raid to look forward to at the end of your day was fun and exciting! I couldn’t wait to go home and play the game and hang out with my gaming friends… (Some of whom I actually ended up meeting on a couple trips I went on back in 2014 which was when I was finally winning the battle over my depression… )
But I also found snacking to be a pretty common thing to do while raiding. So I would always have a few snacks and drinks around me.
I gained about 30 pounds during this 2 year period, and since I didn’t own a scale it sorta just kept creeping up without me even realizing it.
I would just sit at my computer all night, while snacking and playing World of Warcraft, till the wee hours of the morning. I would go to sleep as late as possible, sometimes at 7am, I would finally be going to sleep. Then I would sleep all day, wake up and do it all over again. It’s like I was sleepwalking my life away.
My mind was so numb, I was like in a hypnotized state of being that I can hardly remember. Maybe I have suppressed those days from my memory because of how awful they were because I swear two years passed, and I can’t recall even a single good day I had.
I will tell you though, I did end up snapping out of my depression, but I do believe it was due to divine intervention that caused it, and not my friends or family telling me to simply “snap out of it.”
At the time I was going through this depression, I had turned my back on God because, in my mind, I had created the story that he was single-handedly ruining my entire life, and I couldn’t see how what he had planned that one day this would all make sense, and how all this shit that was happening in my life was all in divine order”
I had been told so many other lies growing up in my youth, oh like how a fat man rides in a sleigh carried by reindeers to every single house on earth, one evening of the year with presents for all the children… Or how the Easter bunny and tooth fairy exist…
Maybe this whole God thing was also just a big fat lie we are told to keep the people behaving themselves and make us scared of doing bad things so we don’t go to hell.
So sure, I had turned my back on God because I was angry and hurt, and I lost all faith in life itself. Thus by doing so led me deeper and deeper into this dark tunnel of despair and depression.
I felt completely hopeless. My life felt over and it hadn’t even begun yet.
There was this one day though, I remember it very well because it was the day that lit that spark in my belly again, even though it was very faint at the time. I still felt it was there.
I went shopping that day because at that time in my life I was into material possessions, which would bring me a very brief moment of happiness. I decided to try on some new clothes, and after trying them all on, and taking pictures, I realized that they all looked so bad on me because I had gained so much weight… I realized that day, how much I hated myself, and who I was becoming…
Here is a picture I took that day that clearly opened my eyes to what I was becoming… I dunno why, but trying on all those clothes, and realizing how bad every outfit looked on me kinda opened my eyes. I didn’t want to be seen this way. I didn’t want to be this way anymore.
The icing on the cake for me was when I saw these two pictures below, and that was it for me. I was done feeling and living this way any longer.
I have always been chubbier growing up, it is just who I am, and I’ve learned to love that part of me now, but this was the heaviest that I had ever been in my entire life and I knew that I needed to make a big change.
Shortly after this photo was taken, there was this one night that I went through, which I now call the dark night of my soul, but at the time I guess it was me hitting rock bottom. I remember I was lying on my floor crying desperately in my lonely basement living room, feeling utterly sorry for myself.
All of a sudden I heard a voice and it said:
“Alright Lindsay you are 22 now, you still have 3/4 of your life left. Are you going to die with your mom and do absolutely nothing with your life and be sad and depressed forever, or are you going to make a change and start working towards being that great version that you know you can be?”
Then I was immediately shown two visions. One was me at 40 years old continuing on this current self-degrading path I was on. I was extremely overweight, I lived alone with quite a few cats, (yes I was a crazy cat lady) it was clear that I barely ever left the house. You know that Simpson episode where homer wears the MooMoo? That’s the image I got, but it was me wearing the MooMoo sitting around my house eating junk food all day feeling depressed, lonely and sad.
So then, I saw a vision of my life if I started working on myself, and my personal development, and boy was I ever in love! I saw this stunning version of me, that was beaming with happiness and love. She clearly was full of life and wonder and had figured out the secrets to life. She was healthy, happy, and abundant.
I was hooked, I knew from that moment on, that no matter what, I had to work towards that wonderful version of myself. I couldn’t become that sad and depressed self. No, no, no… I had hope again for the future, my eyes were seeing clearly again, and I could see the future, and boy was it ever looking wonderful!
I didn’t care how long it would take, I knew it would be a long journey, but I was willing to give it my all, and above everything, I was never going to give up on becoming this vision, because the alternative was just not acceptable to me.
So I started on the path to personal growth and development, and above all learning to love myself, which hasn’t always been easy, but I have never looked back, and I would never go back to the life I was living. You couldn’t pay me enough to go back to that life I was living.
I had this awakening 4 years ago now, and I have now become that person I had envisioned long ago, it’s absolutely unbelievable! Words cannot even begin to describe the happiness I feel now on a daily basis. I realized how wonderfully extraordinary I am, and how I can actually do anything that I set my mind too. I love myself more than I ever thought was possible, and I have a very clear vision of the future.
I now have a new vision of myself and who I am becoming, but I won’t share with you now, because even I am a little awestruck by her, and again can’t really put it into words at the present moment. I don’t doubt, however, that one day I will become that version.
I am in fact creating my greatest version every single day.
I lost two full years of my life to depression, and while I am extremely grateful I was able to get out of it when I did and decide not to continue living my life that way, it really is something that so many people are struggling with, and may not even realize they are, I know I sure didn’t…
Depression seriously sucks… You feel like your life doesn’t matter and that if you were to die tomorrow, no one would even care, the world would just carry on like you didn’t matter, which must be why so many people commit suicide each year.
I read a stat the other day stating that 800 000 people commit suicide every year.
That number is mind-boggling to me…
That is higher than war and natural disasters combined kill each year! So why do so many people still think depression isn’t a real issue?
“oh it’s just a phase, they will snap out of it eventually,” They all say, not understanding the implications behind it.
Depression is a serious killer and we should be paying more attention to it. It is a mental illness and it shouldn’t go unnoticed. Why are so many people depressed? What is going on that is causing this?
I know for my generation, which is the Millenials mostly, we do feel hopeless towards the future. We watch the news and see all the terror, wars, disease, starvation, pain and suffering, and we don’t know what to do to help. We know we want to do something, we all want to change the world, to make an impact, to change someone’s life for the better, to simply be a good human being…
But where do we even begin?
And if our own self-limiting beliefs and thoughts weren’t sabotaging us enough, we have to endure the rest of society telling us what we can and can’t do in life. We are brainwashed into believing we are stupid and unworthy, we are not pretty enough, not smart enough, not good enough to do the things we long for in life.
We live in fear, too scared to break out from the hold the rest of society has on us, and do the one thing that makes our hearts sing.
That one thing you would do no matter what, even if you didn’t get paid for it, you would still do because you love it, it makes you very happy… This is called your passion in life.. And every single one of us has passions, and talents, and gifts to share to the world. Even those of you who think “I don’t have anything to offer.” Trust me, I felt the exact same way, and I want you to know that you do have wonderful talents and gifts to offer the world, you simply haven’t discovered them yet, which is probably why you are feeling hopeless or depressed.
Well, I am here to tell you that you are all of this and more. You are perfect, and you are capable of living a wonderful life. Don’t let depression win. You have to make a stand for yourself, or else it will consume you, and your life. You must find hope again. Believe in yourself, and trust that everything has a funny way of working themselves out, but realize they always somehow manage to turn out good in the end.
I look back on my time that I was depressed with acceptance, knowing that it was a phase of my life that I needed to go through for reasons that are now a deep knowledge of understanding as to why in my heart. It was an experience that I needed to have to become the person I am now today. Although going through it is not easy, and it is most likely going to be one of the hardest things you may ever experience in life, but try to see the light at the end of the tunnel, it may be faint, but its there. Just knowing that it is there, there is hope for you, after all, could be the one thing that keeps you going when things are the darkest.
Remember that there is always a sunrise, even after the darkest of nights. Meaning that even if your life is dark now, it won’t always be this way, trust that the sun will shine again, and you will find happiness again. Don’t give up on yourself, you can find the light again.
Also please stop listening to and caring about what others think, and start to find your own truth for your life. You can and do create your own reality whether you realize this or not. Most of us simply don’t realize we are doing it, which is why our lives never turn out the way we hoped… I have now taken a much more conscious approach to the concept of creating my own reality, and I have now come to understand that I can have, be or do anything that I want… You have to realize what life means to you, who are you? Why are you here? What is your purpose for being here? Asking yourself these questions will help you design for yourself your ideal life…
You have to realize what life means to you… Who are you? Why are you here? What is your purpose for being here? Asking yourself these questions will help you design for yourself your ideal life… You must get to know yourself first before you do anything else. After all, you’re going to be with yourself for the next countless years, so you may as well get to know who you are…
I wrote a post on the importance of getting to know yourself, which I find to be one of the most important things we should do with our lives… Please give it a read if you are interested!
Meditation will help you do this, but you need to allow yourself the time to simply sit and be quiet so you can listen to your higher self-speak. You won’t know what you want to accomplish in life without quieting the egoic mind and listening to that quiet voice that wants you to live the greatest life imaginably! (Meditation is hard for most because when we sit and try to quiet our minds, our ego hates that because it wants to be seen and heard and acknowledged so it will try to throw a tantrum saying all the things we should be doing instead of meditation. Just knowing this and saying “this will only take 10 mins and then you can come back out”, to your ego, will usually help to help quiet the mind)
You must also learn to have grace with yourself, and forgive yourself if you make mistakes because we are human, we are no doubt going to make mistakes in life, so simply forgive yourself when you do and move along.
Depression is serious, but it can be defeated, think of it like an inner battle you are having, and have the courage to overcome it. You don’t need to ingest medications, although I did for two years and it did help at the time, now I am off them and I feel even better than before. Just know that you have everything already in you that you need to overcome this battle, just trust in yourself and know that you are powerful beyond measure.
With Love and Light
Other posts you might like to read:
How to overcome and grow from adversity
Ps. this is a more recent photo of me so you can see the difference a few years can have!